Is This Thing On? by annie newman

You Funny Little Good-for-Nothing Meme

(This title is from a Maurice Chevalier song which we wish we could reproduce on this blog. Suffice it to say that Mimi is a girl and Chevalier is asking if he's her guy. It all ends in a lot of suggestive French snorting of the sort that La Skolnique and ourself refer to as "hon, hon!"

As to why we are answering this meme, it's because we never have done one before, and we filed our income taxes a full 20 hours before the deadline, and we are very proud of ourself.)

1. We've come to realize that our last kiss ...was shared with someone we have completely forgotten

2. We are listening to ...the knockabout comedy of Odillio and his work crew painting our house

3. We talk ...to the trees, but they never listen to us.

4. We love ... iTouch apps. To a really frightening degree.

5. Our best friend ...is La Skolnique. Although it's okay if we are not hers.

6. Our first real kiss ...was extraordinarily hot. 

7. Love is ...on the whole, a positive thing.

8. Marriage is .... a socio-economic construct for which there is (just briefly, right now) no real reason.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking..."will this pain ever end?"

10. We'll always...eat m&ms.

11. The last time we really cried was because....We were feeling emotional.

12. My cell phone ...plan has really good coverage.

13. When we wake up in the morning ...we'd really rather not.

14. Before we go to bed... We kick the cat out of our room.

15. Right now we are thinking about... errands. 

16. Babies are... so fragile

17. We get on Myspace... never.

18. Today we...feel about as lonely as usual.

19. Tomorrow we will be... Just about as lonely. But we will not be with in-laws, which reminds us that there are worse things than loneliness.

20. We really want to be... financially solvent, and of some help to people.

21. We are allergic to...penicillin

22. We are annoyed by... humorless people

23. One food we refuse to eat is...snail caviar

24. The most recent thing we've learned is... even when it hurts like a sonofabitch, it's not personal.

25. The number one thing on our bucket list is... stay the hell away from the bucket

26. Something we've always wanted to learn to do is... speak Spanish

27. We have a high tolerance for... children

28. We have a low tolerance for... narrow mindedness

29. My wish... for my daughter to be safe and happy after her father and I are gone.

30. Person in front of whom we wouldn't mind behaving like an idiot if we saw them in real life...George Clooney.

Schleppin' 'Cross the Wilderness

"Wait. Is there gonna be a test on this?"

We don't like to make comments about our friend JC, who is a very smart man and much larger than ourself. But the man complains a lot. He truly does.

Last night, f'r'instance, he was Twittering from his seder. which already is going to get on God's nerves. But it might have been okay if his tweets has consisted of comments like : "This haroseth is incredibly yummy" or "Memo to self-do not actually eat bitter herbs".

Instead, we heard nothing but complaints.

"Let my people go...out for a sandwich!"

"My stomach is rumbling so loud it drowned out two choruses of 'Dayanu'!"

"I swear to God that hard-boiled egg is a gonner if I don't get some brisket within the next five minutes!"

The fact is...and anyone who has seen The Ten Commandments can bear me out on this...the Exodus was not a journey for sissies.

First of all, we (not just ourself this time, we mean all the Jewish people) had to leave the house without packing. Our own mother, never a vain woman, couldn't leave the house without fifteen minutes of makeup and hairdressing, and, as to some of our more princessy friends, we think they would rather be caught by Pharoah's henchmen than be seen in their gear from spinning class. So already the complaints would start.

Our bff La Skolnique ("Chava the Peacemaker") would have to run back twice to see she had turned off the stove (had the camel pee on the fire) underneath the tzimmes. Which no one would eat anyway, because it looked like mortar and reminded them too much of work.

JC (or, as he would have been known in Biblical times, "Joshua the Fresser") would have demanded to be carried aloft by his handmaidens, claiming some old stonelaying injury; his comments ("So who told you to bring the half-baked bread? Half-baked gefilte fish would have been okay but why the bread? Did anyone remember the half-fermented wine?") would make his wife and child beg for Egyptian citizenship.

You see how tiresome this would get? And he wouldn't be the only one. 

Our brother, Pesche With the Open Mouth, would be lecturing his adorable two sons (Sholem the Pure and Mordecai the Yeller) about the true meaning of the holiday, whilst his wife, Judith the Balabusta, would illustrate with healer-approved tub toys.

"Did anyone bring noseplugs? I've got a deviated septum!"

Over at our part of the caravan, we ("Hannah the Unpaid") would be trying to comfort our Beautiful Daughter ("Tauba the Annoying"...once you start these things it's really difficult to stop)...while we searched high and low for her father, "Baruch the Messy", who, we hoped, brought her prescription manna.

Our only point here is that Passover could be a lot worse, so everyone pipe down and pass the affikomen. And if you don't know what that is, you weren't on the Exodus anyway. You get to tell the jokes on Sunday.